consumption is the most sincere form of passion. the blood of a lover, and this heart of mine, beating as one.

june 2024

i called into work today because i am battling an illness previously unknown to mankind. i probably shouldn't say that because i'll end up jinxing myself and having covid 24. anyway. it's taken me a lot of time and self exploration to realize that i think i identify as something other than human. looking back on myself and my life, i have never fit in with any group really. there are a few small groups i feel comfortable in, mostly on the internet, but also my immediate family and close friend group, but other than that i have never felt like i was part of something. I feel like my body is not mine, and while i am also transgender, it feels like more than that. i don't feel like i was born to be human. i feel like i was meant for something more. i struggle to even admit this because society has lead me into believing it's "cringe" or whatever but when i imagine the most ideal version of my physical self it's a vampire twink. i think i'd be equally satisfied though if i could just stop having a physical body entirely and like upload my consciousness to the internet. i feel so much more like myself when i'm text on a screen. it's hard for me to talk to people face to face or even in a voice call. it makes me so hyperaware of how wrong my body is. i don't want to sound like im constantly miserable or anything since i mostly can tune it out now but like everything makes me dysphoric. talking, the feeling of my body parts moving and constantly touching each other, feeling my stomach rumple or my joints move. it all just feels so wrong. i was meant to be a vampire moving swiftly undetected through the night, my body beautiful and painless and capable. or i was meant to be text on a screen, no body to care for, existing only to bring joy to others, a glorified chatbot. or i was meant to be nothing at all. this vessel is not mine.

it’s really interesting to me how being autistic makes me connect with fictional characters so much differently and i think on a deeper level than neuro typicals do. i was talking about johnny joestar with a friend and it just kinda hit me that like. i feel like i know him. i do know him. i care about him deeply. i imagine how he would react to things and what he would be like if he was around in modern times. i feel like he’s a genuine friend to me. obvious he’s not the only character i feel this way about either. i feel like it’s probably unhealthy or something but like, having these deep complex real feelings and relationships with fictional characters allows me to enjoy media on so much of a deeper level and kind of surpresses my often crushing loneliness. rewatching an anime feels like hanging out with old friends. i think the only downside to this for me is it makes fictional crushes excruciating, like being so in love with a character and knowing i’ll never actually be able to hold them or even hear them say my name when i know that if they were here or i was there we would be so good together kinda kills me inside. luckily i have a real boyfriend and he’s probably cooler than being sandwiched between johnny and gyro

i couldn’t sleep so here i am, making a stinky carrd in the year of our lord 2024. i just got back from ny for my best friend’s 21st birthday and our trip was a total disaster lol. our car broke down when we were still 3 hours out from where we needed to be and we had to book 2 nights in a hotel room. we took it to the mechanic and he thought he fixed it but he didn’t and nobody can figure out what’s wrong with the damn thing so it’s still in new york. my mom will have it fixed hopefully soon and then we’ll have to fly back down, get the car, and fly back up, which im sure will be another very fun and not stressful trip. i did have some fun while in ny though, we went on a boat ride which was really cool and i had a lot of fun hanging out with my other bestie, nephro. me, nephro, and my partner jerry make a really fun trio and it’s always a lot of fun to hang out with them together. we went and saw inside out 2 at the drive in’s and it was so much fun, the movie was good and nephro brought its chinchilla which was cool. i’m glad i got to be there to celebrate my bestie’s 21st even if it was really chaotic. as much as it sucks that we have to go back up and get the car, it’ll be nice to go back and visit again pretty soon. i only got to see my mom for 15 minutes because of how chaotic and evil the trip ended up being, and i’ve really missed her so i’ll be happy to see her again soon, and of course to see my friends again too. i’ve also started planning my birthday party, even though my birthday isn’t until december. i’ve never had a big like nice party before so it’ll be pretty expensive so i figured i should start planning now so that i can definitely make sure it all works out. it’s gonna be celestial like restaurant themed which sounds kinda random but it’ll be cool trust me. i’m super excited for that and i really hope nothing stupid comes up that prevents me from doing it. i already got robbed of a 16th and 18th birthday party and i’ve never so much as gone to a chuck e. cheese for my birthday so i think the universe owes me this one. i’m currently hyperfixated on cookie run (again) so ill probably play some of that before i sleep. lucky i don’t have to work until 1 tomorrow. goodnight!

welcome to my ratings page! for manga and books i'll be doing pretty much everything i've read but for anime, movies, and video games it'll just be recent things and things i have a strong opinion on since i have watched like hundreds of movies and played so many video games in my life it would be dumb to review them all

manga!

hi! you may have noticed there isn't anything here yet. that's because i haven't put anything here yet. Hope this helps!
this will eventually be the home of my socials.